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The Ultimate Punishment

Characters:
Nicolae Ceausescu, former dictator of Romania
Idi Amin Dada, former dictator of Uganda
Kim Jong-il, former dictator of North Korea
Woman

Setting:
Hell, present day

(The three former dictators stand together. They wear matching Amnesty International t-shirts.)

(A woman walks by.)

Kim Jong-il: Excuse me, do you have a second for Amnesty International? Just one minute of your time…

(She walks off.)

You know, people were much more responsive when I was the Dear Leader.

Idi Amin: You’re telling me. No one would’ve dared walk past me like that when I was Uganda’s self-appointed President for Life.

Nicolae Ceausescu: In Romania, even the ones who hated me paid attention to me.

Idi Amin: They killed you.

Nicolae Ceausescu: Exactly! But here? Nah. Nothing. I mean, I expected to go to hell of course, but this? It’s terrible. It’s humiliation.

Kim Jong-il: Rejection.

Nicolae Ceausescu: Right? Around the clock! Rejection.

Idi Amin: And we don’t even get paid.

(Woman walks by.)

Nicolae Ceausescu: Got a moment for human rights?

(She walks off.)

(Calling after her) No problem!

Kim Jong-il: We understand!

Nicolae Ceausescu: We never did either! Ugh these women with their fugly sunglasses.

Idi Amin: And no pants! Do women not understand what constitutes a pant? My wives always knew how to dress themselves.

Kim Jong-il: They act so much holier than thou, but they don’t care about people any more than I do. Haha, who am I kidding. Yes they do.

Nicolae Ceausescu: If these women treated me like that back in Romania, I’d have sent them to a labor camp.

Idi Amin: Ah, tsk. You shouldn’t export your torture like that, Nicolae.

Kim Jong-il: No, it’s not sustainable.

Idi Amin: Just dig a bunch of holes in your backyard and do it there. That’s what I did.

Nicolae Ceausescu: Smart.

(Woman walks by.)

Idi Amin: Got a moment for human…?

(She walks off.)

Damn it! Don’t they know who I am? This is a nightmare.

Nicolae Ceausescu: A few more hours of this and I’ll start feeling like one of those people I rounded up and arrested for no reason.

Kim Jong-il: Don’t say that.

Nicolae Ceausescu: It’s true! This is the ultimate punishment.

Kim Jong-il: Not being worshiped?

Idi Amin: Or not being feared?

Nicolae Ceausescu: Not being seen at all.